Was gonna post this last week … but with the technical difficulties … well, here it is.
I was challenged the weekend before by a sister in the Lord that I made good parenting sound too easy and simple, maybe even formulaic.
So we talked and I explained a little more and intended to write a little more on my blog to clarify.
First of all, I probably made it sound too easy because it has been my experience, based on the truth, that certain principles, when applied to life, makes all of life a whole lot easiER.
But God forbid you think it’s easy. I hoped to make this clear, but perhaps I can expound more here. It is difficult to discipline as you should (most of us have to seriously repent before we can do it well). You have to fight your own laziness, emotions, and other baggage in order to follow what is right, what is best. This takes serious self-discipline that many (including myself at times) find very difficult to maintain. In other words, you can’t be the child. You have to be the adult.
And as a teacher for over eight years, I can attest to the truth that some children take more energy and attention than others. Often times your efforts seem to be in vain. I’ll share a story to illustrate.
My parents had a very difficult time raising me. Looking back, I’m sure that they would wish they had done a thing or two differently, but they did an excellent job overall.
But I sure didn’t think so at the time and I’m sure they had their doubts along the way. Most days, between the ages of three and ten, I had to be spanked for something I had done. If it happened to be a serious offense, my mother would inform my father of my need for punishment, and he would, without any questioning I ever saw, try to make me sorry. My mother admits to being so frustrated at times that she would go outside and cry.
But she continued to discipline me with the same principles I have shared with you: reasonable expectations, a standard of obedience, a loving and firm structure, and consistent consequences.
My poor brother. Derek, if an only child, would have probably been spanked a handful of times in his whole life. But he was my sidekick on every adventure and felt the wrath as much as I did most of the time.
There were even moments that my mother was so angry with me (us) that she put us in our room, closed us in, and left us there so she wouldn’t kill us. I remember specifically blue paint on the nice cream front room rug, and another day when we scratched up the silver Dodge Aspen with our cowboy boots because I wanted to pretend it was my spaceship.
By the time I hit Middle and High School, I had given my heart to the Lord, dedicated my life to live for Him, and became a leader at our fellowship among the youth (I still had my issues, and still do, but much had changed for the positive … it was around this time, at 14 years old, that I felt the need to be baptized as well). My mother was voted the mother of the year at our church one year. A close friend wondered “what for” because he saw only the young man I had become, not what I had been.
My mother saved my soul by her discipline. (She also prayed for me every night from a young age — I needed it — as another aside, if anyone wonders how I got the coolest wife in the world, my mom prayed for her, too, since I was a toddler — mom knew Becca would need it, too)
The Bible says “raise a child up in the way he should go, and he will not depart from it.” Believe me, many times this requires great faith. But the promise is conditional upon our willingness to “raise a child in the way he should go,” which causes some to have great doubt.
Modern parenting says my mother was abusive. She should have trusted in my goodness to guide me more than she did, they would say. I was intelligent, athletic, and had other qualities that she could have made as excuses for my misbehavior. I thank God she did not and was intentional and proactive and willing to be longsuffering with me (and my father, too! While not maybe involved to the ideal, he definitely played a part in exhibiting a united front in ways of discipline in the home, in personal and spiritual education, as well)
Some of you might think I’m exaggerating on how great my mom is. I have good friends who not only saw how she treated me, but how she raised Derek, Gina, and Shane. For some of my good friends, a couple women especially, Mary K Mooney is their hero. She’s something of an icon at Duluth First Baptist (as the boss of a successful preschool and the children’s minister for a year). Larry Trammell actually sought out both of my parents and commended them for an excellent job once he got to know me, because he knew, as a parent, what effort they had to put into it. And he also probably knew how stubborn I was.
I’ll give you another type of illustration. Let’s say you’re out of shape. You know certain principles apply. Eat right. Exercise. Drink lots of water. Rest. While everyone has their unique qualities, the basics are no less true. Fairly simple and sounds too easy, right? Of course the difficult part is applying those principles consistently and having the self-discipline to make sacrifices to continue on that path. Some days parts of your body will hurt or it will not seem like you’re making much headway.
But let’s say that you get to a place where you are in shape. Then all that is required is maintenance. Maintenance is much easier than the path to get into shape or even the path of an unhealthy lifestyle. And then your life does become easiER. You don’t get sick as often, you have more energy, and other benefits that come from living a healthier lifestyle.
As a teacher for more than 8 years, of kids of every age and different cultures from around the world, I know good discipline is not easy. But doing it right is, in the long and short run, easiER.
So, I say again: Fathers, be the initiator of discipline in your home. Be reasonable in your expectations, firm in your stand on obedience, consistent with consequences, and clear in communication. Praise and encourage more than you rebuke. Instruct. Give the structure and procedure that kids need. Have fun with your kids. Let them see you silly and a lover of life. Initiate conversations about life, God. Pray for them every day. Bless them as a priest in your home. Be the example of the man (and woman) you are calling them to be. Surround your children with a community of people that love them. Don’t give them what they want but teach them what they need. Always honor your spouse in public if you wish your children to honor them. Kiss them. Hug them.
The wisdom I share comes not from two years of experience, but almost 35 years of experience, conversations, questions, observations, reading, trial and error, and knowing the Spirit of God. I’ve had enough humility to ask and enough faith to act. For whatever success we’ve had with Micah or will have with Micah or Elisha, I can only praise God for any good, for only He is good, and I only have access to the good through His blood.
But that does not excuse me from my responsibility.
Difficult? You bet. But way easier than the alternative.
Peace.